Who am I? Am I a person? I don't do blogs and I'm feeling too sick to write this on paper...and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and be able to answer these questions.
In my Theories of Personality class, we were learning about various theories different psychologists had about human personality. The word "persona" means "mask." Who we are on the outside. Our public selves we present to the world so we're able to get along in civilized society. It presents a problem when a person confuses their public self with their private self. This could mean they haven't engaged in adequate self-reflection or have a confused sense of identity.
That is where part of my problem lies. I feel like I often speak before I think, say things I don't really agree with or mean, react in ways that don't reflect my true feelings, and push people away when really I want to get closer to (some) people. On many levels I am very self-aware - sometimes painfully so, acknowledging my every move, inflection and blink. But then there are many times when I feel like I'm looking in the mirror at a person I don't know. Do other people feel this way? How can I get close to people if I don't even know who I am - and therefore can't accurately open up to people? For several years I've presented myself as being very quiet and serious and closed off, even though that wasn't my intention. Rather, I think it was the outcome of some hard times and resulting mistrust.
I'm tired of it though. I want to feel like a person I know. Someone I can look at in the mirror and identify with and have control over, regarding my words and actions. I want clear thinking. Fog has clouded me far too long now. I want out.
[I'm feeling nauseous. Let's see if I delete this in a day or two.]